Dissidishorts
by Rabid Fangirl21
Summary: A collection of general short stories based around the plot of Dissidia. Rated T for safe-e-tee. Chapter 9- Mateulti?- Garland walks into...well...
1. Misunderstandings

**Back again, says I. This one's genre is humour~**

**Disclaimage: I don't own Dissidia or the characters, ok?

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"Finally…" Jecht muttered to himself. After ten minutes of wandering around Chaos' shrine, he'd finally found the bathroom. The shrine certainly was very big- after all, every one of Chaos' underlings lived in it (Apart from Emperor Mateus and Golbez. Mateus lived in Pandaemonuim and Golbez lived somewhere in the Moon Canyon.).

Just as Jecht was about to venture inside, he heard a conversation going on inside…

"I swear to Chaos, Mateus, if you stick that thing anywhere NEAR me I'll rip it off and shove it down your throat!" Pandaemonuim doesn't have a bathroom? The Emperor should have thought its construction through.

"Oh? The little bird has claws…even still, you cannot stop me…"

"Feather jokes? Oh, get a life!" Definitely Kuja.

"Get some pants! Or rather, don't…"

"BACK OFF!" Jecht then heard a series of explosions and yells.

"Gah! Fine, you win…but I'll be back…I find silver hair simply exquisite…" Mateus huffed, stepping out of the men's room. Jecht gave him an evil look.

"H…how much of that did you hear?" Mateus asked, dreading the answer he knew was going to come.

"Just about enough…to tell EVERYONE! Ahahahaha!" Jecht laughed evilly, sprinting off. Mateus slowly turned to look at Kuja who was exiting the bathroom as well.

"Do you think they'll believe us when we tell them we were practising one of my plays?" Kuja asked, holding two scripts.

"Not a chance."

"There goes what was left of my reputation…" Kuja whined, teleporting off.

"Same…" Mateus sighed, returning to Palamecia.


	2. Nobara

**First time Dissidia writer here...This is chapter one in a collection of Dissidia short stories that my head churns out.**

**Disclaimage: I own not Dissidia or Final Fantasy or any of the characters.

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Firion was lost in the new world. He didn't even have any sort of clue as to where his enemy could be or where is crystal could be found. Cosmos had just dropped them all into the confusing mesh of worlds and told them to find their crystal.

He'd already realised that everybody in the world was merely a memory of someone that had existed before Chaos forced all of the worlds together. There were now only twenty-three people alive in the world- three were gods and the rest were warriors.

The weapon master knew he had nine allies on his side, but he didn't know where they were either. Cosmos really hadn't let anyone know anything much apart from their main mission- find the crystals, kill Chaos and his underlings.

He was jarred from his thoughts as he bumped into one of the shadows.

"Sorry…" Firion mumbled subconsciously, walking past him. He knew the memory wouldn't respond past a monotonous 'it's ok'.

"There's no need to be, young warrior. Fate planned this meeting," The shadow's response surprised him.

"E-excuse me?" Firion said. Maybe he'd found someone?

"You wish to locate your allies, don't you? Such a simple task. Two of them are very nearby- walk north for a few hours and you shall surely find them." The figure went on. Who was this silver-haired stranger? He didn't feel evil…nor did he feel that friendly.

"Who are you?" Firion asked. The man was very confusing to him. Who gives out such vital information to an absolute stranger?

"You don't need to know that much. All you need to know is that determination and courage will lead you to your prize. Dreams can help with this, no? Here…take this. " The silver haired man turned around, revealing his features to Firion briefly. All the weapons master managed to register before the stranger presented something to him were his deep blue-purple eyes.

"Ah…is this…?" Firion stammered, taking the gift from the stranger. Yes…it was definitely a Wild Rose- the insignia of the Rebels.

"Never lose touch with your dreams, young one," The man said softly.

Firion looked up from the rose to thank him, only to find he was already gone.


	3. Annoyances

**I was in the mood for some humour again.**

**Disclaimer: I own not Dissidia, peons.

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Sephiroth was sitting cross-legged in a dark room of the Chaos shrine, silent. A perfect target.

"_Kekekekeke…What to use, Firaga? Thundaga? Meteor? Ultima? Oooh, the choices~!" _Kefka giggled in his mind, creeping up on Sephiroth as stealthily as an insane clown could manage.

Sephiroth amazingly didn't notice, given the amount of noise Kefka was managing to make. Kefka could hardly contain his excitement. He held a hand above Sephiroth, charging up a spell.

"MERRY COSTMAS!" Kefka shrieked.

"Wha-?!" Was all Sephiroth could say before a giant blue explosion engulfed him.

"Kekekekekekekekekeke! Ahahahahahahahaaa!" Kefka laughed wildly, bouncing around his unfortunate target.

"What the HELL!! Kefka, I was painstakingly attempting to remove Cloud's most cherished memories! Do you know what damage you could have caused?!"

"Why are ya so obsessed with that emo kid, anyways? Did he turn ya down for the prom or something?" Kefka giggled, starting to bounce away. Sephiroth's eye just twitched violently.

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"And then Zidane wa-" BOOM "What was that?" Kuja asked, getting out of the comfortable chair.

"Sephiroth and Kefka, I'd wager. Anyway, sit back down…we aren't even close to being done. You have many psychological problems, Kuja," Golbez answered, seated in a therapist's chair with a notebook and pen in hand.

"Okay…So Zidane was created a while after me…but father made HIM immortal…"

"Aah, I sense some deep-rooted brotherly rivalry. Please, continue…we've merely scratched upon the surface of you many, many problems…"


	4. An Odd Trio

**Requeeest! This isn't really in the humour genre. It's just general friendly stuff.**

**Disclaimer…'n' stuff…: Dissidia don't own I. Srsly though, I don't own Dissidia. Sic your lawyers on someone else.

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"Mine's the shiniest!" Onion Knight cried, holding his large green crystal above his head. He, Cloud and Terra were comparing their crystals.

"…Not interested…" Cloud sighed, making the peppy boy frown. Terra smiled lightly as she stared into the brilliant red and black of her crystal.

"Just because yours is tiny!" Onion Knight teased, hugging his crystal close. Cloud gave him a blank stare. _"We need to teach him about innuendo one of these days…" _Cloud thought, sighing.

"Stop it you guys…our crystals all share the same power. The size and…shiny-ness of the crystals isn't very relevant to anything. Come on- we must meet the Warrior of Light," Terra said, standing.

"Always the voice of reason- Terra is so level-headed!" Onion Knight complimented the girl, jogging up to her.

"You're cute, but I'm not going to date you," Terra giggled. The young knight looked confused briefly. Flashing sly smile, he decided to play along, pouting.

"Aww, it's 'cause I'm short, isn't it? I'm all outta luck!" Onion Knight collapsed to his knees dramatically.

"It could just be because you're prepubescent…" Cloud said quietly, smirking at the boy.

"D'aww shaddap…" Onion Knight huffed, walking ahead.

"I didn't know you had a sense of humour, Cloud." Terra said, smiling at the soldier.

"Neither did I…" Cloud answered, shifting the Buster Sword on his back.


	5. Why?

**I apologise in advance for any OOC-ness. I'm not the best with certain personalities, I'm afraid. And...I suppose I'm taking requests. 'Cause I have been. Anyhow, this is a request from...Mayday, I believe. Last chapter was a request from narutofan1091.  
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**Disclaimagiferationifyification: I don't own Dissidia.

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**_Why…? _

Squall had found himself questioning things more and more often. Especially since he'd started travelling with _those _two.

Zidane and Bartz. They were both from completely different worlds and hadn't even known it was _possible_ for the other to even _exist _until very recently. And still they were inseparable.

Both of them made Squall wonder if the other warriors of Cosmos were as goofy and hyperactive as they were. He hoped they weren't, lest he shove his gunblade down his own throat. Squall had enough trouble keeping two hyper guys under control.

The duo's antics annoyed him greatly, but he could /kinda/ see the funny side of some of the things Bartz and Zidane did. Not that he'd ever show it.

For example, yesterday he'd woken up with a curly moustache and a chocobo feather drawn on his face. In permanent ink. Sure, he'd kicked them both clear out of the Moon Canyon, but he had been able to see the funny side of it as he watched their screaming silhouettes fly over the Crystal Palace in the distance.

Squall may wonder why he'd found Bartz and Zidane of all people of all ten worlds, and why he was chosen as a warrior of his dimension among other things, but as long as he was with his…friends, nothing too bad could be waiting for him in the near future.


	6. Good Times

**Me here with another request! Apologies for any delay, guys.**

_(This means thinking, okay?)

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Kefka, Exdeath, Kuja and the Cloud of Darkness were all standing around the main room of the Old Chaos shrine, bored.

"I'm booooored!" Kefka said, pointing out what had already been stated.

"We all are. Our needlessly complicated plans all take lots of time to execute, so all we can do is wait." The Cloud of Darkness said, hovering around idly.

"Isn't there someone to annoy?" Kefka whined, blowing up a pillar for effect.

"Well…Let's see…the warriors that you've annoyed recently are Kuja, Sephiroth, Ultimecia, Golbez-" Exdeath was cut off shortly after starting his list by Kefka.

"Oh yeah, I remember that as if it was yesterday!" Kefka giggled.

"It was this morning…I still haven't gotten over the aftermath…_(Why did I accompany him?)_" Exdeath grumbled.

"Is that why your armour's burnt today, Exdeath? What exactly happened?" Kuja asked, somewhat curious.

"Well, you see…this morning, we decided to prank Golbez. So we walked in on him while he was reading his dictionary-"

"He was _reading _a _dictionary_?!" Kuja cried in disbelief. Exdeath nodded as best he could. "At least now I know why he's so well-spoken…_(Folderol? Who __**says**__ that?!)_"

"Anyhow…Exdeath snuck up on him while I distracted him and took off his helmet. He obviously didn't take too kindly to this, because the next thing I see is him launching five giant meteors at Exdeath! It was _hilarious_!!" Kefka laughed, relieving the moment. He soon collapsed to the floor, laughing even harder.

"It wasn't _that _funny…" Exdeath huffed, folding his arms and turning away.

"That always tends to be the case when you're on the receiving end of the ridicule…" Kuja smiled. "Ahh, imagining Exdeath being pelted by giant flaming rocks shall certainly keep me entertained as I go about destroying the world…" Kuja added.

"Same here. That tale amuses us…" the Cloud of Darkness smiled, disappearing into a portal beneath her feet.

"By the way…did you get to see what he looked like before he kicked you in the posterior, Exdeath?" Kuja asked.

"Like Cecil, but with longer hair that defies gravity less. _(what is with the people in this world and long, flowing silver hair?)_ And he doesn't look as much like a woman," Exdeath said, being blunt. Kuja laughed softly before teleporting away.

"Garland!" Kefka screeched, breaking the short silence that followed Kuja's departure.

"…What?" Exdeath asked, knowing he wasn't going to like this.

"We can annoy Garland!" Kefka howled excitedly, grabbing Exdeath's arm and teleporting him away.

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**Seriously, who does say 'folderol'?  
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	7. Whatever

**This is set in the end-of-game meadow. The warriors of Cosmos share one last kind of get-together. I really hate this one for some reason…Meh, you guys decide.

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_(Heh heh heh…he'll never suspect a thing…) _Zidane thought, grinning evilly as he snuck up behind Bartz. The thief reached into a small pouch his friend had latched onto his waist and took out the crystal it contained carefully.

Zidane then tapped Bartz on the shoulder, waved the crystal in his face and ran away as fast as he could.

"Eh…HEY! Zidane! I need that to LIVE! Give it back!" Bartz yelped, giving chase. Squall sighed.

_(Is it possible for me to escape these morons and their antics?) _Squall thought, feeling tempted to bash his head repeatedly against a nearby tree.

"…and that is the equation I worked out, in its simplest form, that proves that the meaning of life is, indeed, forty-two." Onion Knight said, going into his Sage class and posing like a scholar.

"…I still don't quite understand how it makes any sense…" Terra said, clearly confused. Onion Knight sat down on the ground next to her and patiently explained it again.

Cloud had been staring at Onion Knight blankly for the past twenty minutes. He finally decided to stop trying to make sense of anything that spouted from the kid's lips and go look for someone who wasn't explaining some grand theory.

"Hey, Cloud!" _(Oh, lord no…) _Cloud thought, tensing up.

_("I was approaching Cloud cautiously, as past dealings with him suggested he was always in a bad mood.")_

_("Still, he managed not to be happy at all to see me. In fact, probably the opposite. I had always been awkward around the silent, broody types…")_

_("I tried to make conversation with him anyway, though. I just hoped it was the right thing to do…")_

"Were you just having an inner monologue?" Cloud asked Tidus. The lighting had just darkened, despite the fact that they were _outside, _in a _meadow_.

"Yeah. Anyway, dude, how've you been? I haven't seen ya since…two days ago, when you and Squall were brooding together!" _(I wonder why that could be…) _Cloud thought grimly.

"I've been just fine, Tidus." The soldier said rather monotonously.

"Have you been avoiding me?" Tidus asked, folding his arms.

"No. I've just...not been interested with what you've been telling me," Cloud said bluntly, ignoring Tidus and wandering over to Squall. _(Thank goodness I managed to make that meeting as short as possible…) _Cloud thought, relieved.

"Hey! Y'know, it isn't polite to walk away when people are talking to you!" Tidus yelled after him, frowning.

The lightning suddenly went dim again, suggesting that Tidus was having yet another monologue. Thankfully, Cloud wasn't interested in that either.

"Hey, Squall…"

"…Whatever." Squall responded articulately, not even glancing at the soldier.

"…" Cloud looked at Squall, and then in the direction he was looking in. And then back again.

"Those your idiots?" Cloud asked. Bartz and Zidane were quite a ways away in a field of flowers, wrestling over something.

"Unfortunately." Squall replied simply. "You have any?"

"You could count him…" Cloud said, gesturing to Tidus, "And him…" Cloud gestured to Onion Knight this time.

"Cosmos has an evil, twisted sense of humour."

"How did she ever think pairing us up with some of _these _guys could be a productive move?"

"If you use a certain level of violence, you can keep them in line…" Squall suggested, "But I suppose it doesn't matter now. Thankfully, they'll all be out of our hair soon."

"Violence, eh? I'll have to try that more often in the future…"

"It really helps."


	8. I have What?

**This is just a random chapter that isn't meant to make any serious sense. Just a random inner dialogue between Golbez and his consciences. Sorry for the lack of updates- I have tonnes and tonnes of art and maths assignments to be getting on with.

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"…I'm bored…I wonder if anyone would notice if I were to…" Golbez started to ponder, growing bored in his room at the Chaos Shrine.

"Read their minds and screw with their dreams? That doesn't sound like such a bad idea…" Another voice finished for him.

"Hmm? Who are you?" Golbez thought to the voice, his own inner voice filled with suspicion, as ridiculous as it sounds.

"I'm the better part of your conscience. You haven't heard me since Zemus died, have you?"

"_No…I thought he destroyed my conscience in his take-over…" _Golbez thought, confused.

"Oh, he just destroyed the good part. You listened quite faithfully to both Zemus and your evil conscience." The voice chuckled.

_"Umm…I thought you just said you were the good part of my conscience?"_

"Oh, I am. I may not be strictly 'good', but at least I'm not as bad as _that _guy…"

**"KILL THEM. KILL THEM ALL. GIVE THEM SLOW, PAINFUL DEATHS…MAKE THEM ALL SUFFER!"**

_"Ah. I see. So…I have two evil sides then?"_

"Mmm hmm. I tell you to hurt people for your own personal gain, and he tells you to commit human genocide. _You _just don't listen to either of us. Ever."

**"THEIR BLOOD SHALL SATISFY YOUR ENDLESS THIRST! THEIR FLESH SHALL SUSTAIN YOU FOREVER!"**

"_Oh. Well, I suppose all is well then."_

"Yup. Up until Mr. Crazy over there takes control of your actions and makes you murder your brother and his family."

"_What?!" _

"Nothing. You gonna mess with other people's heads or what?"

"_Umm…okay…"_ Golbez thought to himself, ending the nonsensical inner dialogue. Targeting Ultimecia first, he turned her odd dream of Emperor Mateus into a hellish nightmare of agony.


	9. Mateulti?

**Requested chapter alert! I hope it's good enough…

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Briefings with Chaos weren't what people cracked them up to be. Normally Chaos would just ramble on about something trivial…And then tell Garland to tell the villains to keep on doing what they were doing.

Why they had to be daily was probably something he'd have to chat to the lord of discord about later.

Still…there was nothing like kicking back and killing some of their infinite store of mannequins for absolutely no reason. Garland just loved to fight. He could already hear the mannequins' distorted cries as he set them alight…

All of that went put of the window, however, when he heard a noise from the main gathering hall. Garland decided to investigate, fighting his urge to just waltz in there and knock everyone down.

Instead, he chose to open the door a crack and peer inside. He soon found the vibrantly-coloured sources of the noises- Emperor Mateus and Ultimecia. They were awfully close…And whatever Mateus was doing, Ultimecia was attempting to talk him out of it.

Finally it clicked in Garland's helmed head.

_Romance! In __**his **__domain! _Treason of the highest order! The knight, without a second thought, burst into the room, sword in hands.

"What in Chaos' name do you think you're doing?!" He boomed angrily.

"Gah!" Mateus cried, nearly falling over. Ultimecia saw an opportunity to teleport away and took it gladly.

"Must I repeat my question?" Garland pressed sternly.

"I was…we were…uhh…" Mateus must have forgotten about his giant ego briefly- Garland had never seen him so frazzled.

"Just leave…and make sure nothing like this ever happens again in these un-hallowed halls!" Garland cried, allowing a rather embarrassed Mateus to escape.


End file.
